Cuckoos and Woodpeckers
(A Czech Clown Comedy)

	Petr Kubon November 1990 January-June 1994
	Allan Bennett-Brown solely responsible for "sperm spewing salmon" Pepe Brown-Burger solely responsible for "barely budding breasts" Alison Marchant solely responsible for discourse marker deletions February-March 1993

Some coarse language, frequent gory violence and occ. Czechisms

VERY MATURE

Characters

Alfred (A)

[Al-fred]

Ludvik (L)

[Lu-dvik]

Bonifac (B)

[Bo-ni-fats] played by the same actor as

Hugo (B)

[Hu-go; close to Hoogo, but shorter `oo']

Death (D)

invisible but very present on the stage

Breburda(s)

[Bri-boor-da; again shorter `oo'] von Schlapschnitz(es), [fon Sh-lap-sh-nits]

AND ROZA

[Ro-za]!!!

Stage

CURTAIN

A: (enters with a sheet of paper, stumbles over something) Shit!.. OK, let's see - a table, five chairs, some booze, dandelions, [etc...], and three oak clubs! one, two.... I knew it!... Ludva!!! One's missing! (from above the third club falls down, very close) That's better!...Ludva! One is NOT missing.... three oak clubs... Is this really oak? (examines, suddenly finds a BIG acorn, fastened to the club) Oh, look at that, a chestnut! It's oak alright. Three oak clubs...Oh yeah, but what did I want them for in the first place?...

(play - tries to figure out all kinds of possible uses, this is quite open, st. like match, wooden leg, spear, cane etc., then by chance injures himself with the sharp end) Ahhh!! That's what it's for! (prepares a trap - in our performance he fastened them to prepared ropes and clubs were hanging and moving about 1/2 metre from the ground) Ludva! The juice! (a big can with the POISON mark falls down, should look dangerous, but not hit the ground, he catches it, looks inside). Well, looks good.. or should I say BAD but some test(/ing) might be appropriate (/safer).

(takes a bit of cheese from his pocket and starts enticing a mouse from the corner) Come on, sweetie, don't be scared, it's me - Alfi (white papiermache mouse appears from the corner, coming closer) See, little cutie. Look what I have. Hmmm, smells soooo good. Look. It's CHEESE!!! (mouse starts to eat, A takes off his coat, the coat doesn't want to surrender) Tastes yummy, doesn't it? Mmmmmm. Just don't pay any attention to me. Phew, it's so hot, isn't it? As if I wasn't here. I'll take off my jackie . Mmmmmm... (to the coat) Now COME ON, you bastard!! (to the mouse) NO, I didn't mean you. (to the coat) Come on!!..(finally managed) Phew, at last... And now I'll just go to hang the jackie in the closet. The closet is right behind you, you know. But don't let that bother you, as if I wasn't here...

(tiptoes behind the mouse which ignores him completely stuffing herself, he jumps on her and covers her with the coat) Gotcha!! (one hand under, she bites him, the other hand, again, pissed off, jumps on the coat with his knees, several times, then picks the mouse out FLAT) Oh dear, I'm sorry, I flattened you a bit but there was no other way. (turns her to spectators and pretends she tries to escape) Now hold on, you bastard (/Mickey) , don't move!! We all have to make sacrifices from time to time (death throes of the mouse, holds her in the poison) You're dying(/giving your life) for a good cause. (after sufficient time takes her out - now BLACK and legs up) Ooooh, that has a real kick to it! (throws her into the can again and starts putting the poison on the club tips)

L: (backs into room, pulling a papiermache-iron leghold trap, then turns and notices A.) Ssssssssss....

A: Ssssssnake!

L: Sssssso! Ssssitting here like a sssslug and Bonifac is gonna be here any minute.

A: You snake, you really scared me! Sssss..., sneaking behind me like that! Are you crazy? (/stupid/other word on s?)

L: Yes, as if you didn't know!

A: Okay, okay, sorry, I forgot. (pause) Ludvik, do we really have to kill him?

L: And who else is gonna do it ?!

A: I mean - is it really necessary to kill him at all?

L: Do you want to be responsible for what he might do now? He was a raving lunatic 10 years ago! Running around in the forest, raping, torturing and murdering young girls and then writing a detailed account of it in a journal! They should've kept him there for life but trust the government to do something right - inconclusive evidence! Inconclusive evidence my head! It was all there, written by his own hand. No, I don't want to have on my conscience any more ``items'' in his journal, do you?

A: No, I guess not.

L: And besides, we're not really killing him. We're just decorating the house a bit, that's all. It's his fault if he gets poisoned or crushed or caught in a trap by chance!

A: That's right. It's all his fault. (knock on the door..) Shhhhh! (another knock)

AL: Bonifac!

L: Just like ten years ago! (knock) Who's gonna go?

A: You!

L: Why?

A: (pretends to be smaller) You're taller.

L: Oh sure, taller again, me again. It's always me. (leaves)

A: (in a hurry, tries to mask the clubs, clean the mess, hide the irons, no time, gets ready for B) (enters L, alone) BONIK!... Where is he?

L: Who? (pulls a papiermache goat into the room)

A: Well, Bonifac! Y'know, that knock!

L: It was just a bird. You know, the one that's always beating around the trees with his beek. (starts fastening the goat to the irons)

A: Oh, so it was Woody, the little pecker. He wanted some grubs. What are you doing?

L: The trap. Baiting. Looks good, (eh)?

A: Goats, (eh)? For Bonik, (eh)? Losing it, (eh)? (throws away the goat and fastens a vodka bottle instead)

L: Right! (pause) Alfred, what if he did change after all? Ten years in a prison, that's a long time.

A: Not longer than outside! Did we change?

L: Well - no, not really.

A: There you go! Most likely he just learned some new techniques there. Just remember the letters he had been sending us - full of wrath, bile, and bloodlust for people who only did their duty to society!

L: Oh, you mean when we called the cops?

A: When we found the journal.

L: And called the cops.

A: And called the cops.

L: Good thing he doesn't know... and won't have time to find out. (knock) Shhhhh! (knock)

AL: Bonifac!

L: Just like ten years ago! (knock) Who's gonna go?

A: You!

L: Why?

A: (pretends to be smaller) You're older.

L: Oh sure, older again, me again. It's always me. (leaves)

A: (similar as before) (enters L, alone) BONIK!... Where is he?

L: Who?

A: Well, Bonifac! Y'know, that knock!

L: Oh, it was just that woodpecker again.

A: So it was Woody, the little pecker. He wanted more grubs. Drop dead, bugger! I hope ya bust a gut!!...(to L) What?! Back to the bait again ?

L: No - I'm thirsty. (starts milking the goat)

A: Thirsty?! Bonifac on the doorstep and this jerk can't think of anything besides his gut! (almost hits the clubs) Now look what you've made me do! I almost wrecked my little trappie.

(pause)

A: (in parallel) Ludvik,

L: (in parallel) Alfred,

(knock)

A: Shhhhhh!!

L: Shhhhhh!! (knock)

AL: Bonifac!

L: Just like ten years ago! (knock)

A: You!

L: (breathes in for Why?)

A: You've been practicing!

L: Oh sure, practice again, me again. It's always me. (leaves)

A: (some action, finishes in the same pose as before) BONIK!... What!? That fat pecker again?!!

L: No, this time it was a cuckoo. (sits down to the goat)

A: So, a cuckoo this time, the bastard! What? Was she looking for a clock? (out) We don't have one! We tell time by the sun. Even when it rains. (kicks the can, spills poison). Shit! Now I have to clean up again. (knock) WHAT, again!?! (grabs the can and runs out) You just wait, you feathered fucker, I'll knock you!!

L: (gets up, taking the goat out to the kitchen) Come on , Bessy. Let's make supper. Spaghetti and goat balls. (BIG crash outside) Tssk, that Alfred really overreacts sometimes. Hope he leaves some birds in the forest alive. (leaves)

A: (backing into the room, talking to invisible partners) Excuse me, Mrs. Factorywoman, I'm so terribly..terribly sorry... I know, it's a shame but since he.. your house-band - beg your pardon - he's kinda small, looks a bit like an owl and..y'know.. it's easy to get them confused... cuckoo 'n' owl, they're both birds, and in the blink of an eye...y'know... (listens) Alas, noone can give him that eye back but...look on the bright side... at least he won't be so horribly cross-eyed

L: (from backstage) Alfred, who are you talking to? Not to that cuckoo, I hope?!

A: (to the factorywoman) To the cuckoo! Does he think I'm crazy? To the cuckoo, hmpfff! (to backstage) It's Mrs. Breburda, you know, the owner of the factory, with her house-band. They probably came by to gawk. They musta heard that Bonifac was released this morning. (to himself) What can you expect, small town.

L: But, Alfred, are you sure it's a good idea to let them in tonight?

A: Well, I can't just leave them standing on the doorway, can I? It's impolite and suspicious. Besides, they might come handy later on, one never knows.

L: (appears with bloody hands) Welcome!...???... What, they left already?!

A: No, why, they're right here!...But..I'll be..Where are you?! They must be hiding, afraid of you. Come in, don't be shy. There you go! Much better, much better!

L: Oh... welcome, welcome, Mrs. Factorywoman

A: No! That's her house-band.

L: Oh... of course, of course, how stupid of me. Please, excuse me, must be all the excitement. Welcome, welcome, Mrs. Factorywoman, (turns to the husband)..sir, so nice of you to drop by. Oh but you're looking extremely manly today. You look so much better with just one eye!

A: Yes, indeed, so much better than... than without the other eye.

L: I hope you'll stay for supper. I was just preparing the spaghetti. You know, Bonik got outta the joint today and so we're having a small family celebration. Nothing grand. Just a banquet, a couple of banners, three or four speeches and an army parade. As I say, nothing grand, by no means!

A: And if you behave, we might also have some small...big military maneuvers! Maybe even with some casualties!

L: Now, where can I clean these hands... But you haven't made yourself comfortable yet! Please, let me take your coats...yes, that's it...(cleans hands and throws the coats to backstage) I'll hang them for you... I still have some things to do in the kitchen but Alfred will show you the house in the meantime. (leaves)

A: So follow me, please. Be careful here, there's a little puddle here, you don't want to step in it. (leads them to the map, opens it and gets behind, shines through with a flashlight and explains; during this all stage lights out)

A: We'll start our excursion in the sitting room, or budoir (English pronunciation). In the back you can see a china toilet bowl, or pissoir. The room itself is a wonderful example of a happy combination of post-modern practicality and classical idealism. (points with a flashlight) Innerspring sofa , king size, with filters; upholstered chair; electric lazy-boy. (refers to pissoir) Manual flush. (pause) Doesn't work. Let's continue. On the way out, please, pay attention to t

A: (from next room) OK, are we all here, nobody was left behind? Mrs. Factorywoman, Mr. Factoryman, yes, the whole group seems to be here. No, I'm sorry, you're not allowed to take any pictures...especially not those on the wall, heh heh... OK, now we find ourselves in the standing room (pause) ??? Outstanding, isn't it. (pause) A bit crowded perhaps (pause)??? Let's continue.

A: (next room) The lying room. We lie here like crazy. We're all crazy here, we're gonna kill you!!...Heh heh heh, just kidding. This room also contains our famous collection of.. (clouds of dust) hack hack.. 17th century dust...hack hack... Mrs. Factorywoman, please, steer your respectable house-band to the side so that he can also benefit from the excursion. The decor is rococococococo - as you can't see from the dust. Let's continue.

A: Kitchen assembly line. Fully automated, three shifts...No, Mrs. Factorywoman, no trade unions, we have the situation fully under control... And now let's move to the second floor. (leaves the flashlight shining down, moves up the stairway) Watch out, stairs! Mr. Factoryman, you left it on...you left the light on!...the light!! (light goes off) At last...But now I can't see anything. Light! LIGHT!! (flashlight starts shining in the kitchen again, moves up) Good work! As I see, y

L: (enters from backstage, food on table)

A: And now we have come to the atelier. Very colourful! Watch out, respectable sir, fresh paint! Ooops, too late again! Excuse me, Mrs. Factorywoman, I don't want to be indiscrete but how much was his dowry? ...THAT much?... Heh heh, he's so cute!

L: (listens to A, then there's a knock at the door, goes to open the door)

A: And up there is only the attic, cellar, roof, garden, chimneys and pigeon droppings. We won't go there. Be careful here, I always hit my head here.. Almost always. And that's the end of our tour. Please, leave the slippers at the entrance and come for supper. (L went for the pharmacists. A appears, at the same time full stage lights again) Now, that's a true feast! Mmmmmm... The last supper!

L: (comes in with `pharmacists', pulling a doctor's bag on a rope) No, don't take your shoes off, Mr. Pharmacist. You don't want to step in that (poison puddle). (to A) They ambushed me at the door, so I had to let them in. This guy has even brought an entire examination room with him. (looks inside) G-ross! (doctor's bag pulled everywhere the `pharmacists' go)

A: What the hell do you mean by that, mister?!

L: That's useless. He doesn't understand you. Today is his German day. And we can't wait till tomorrow when he switches to Russian.

A: But I don't know any Russian!

L: Another reason why we shouldn't wait. You have to try German.

A: Well, as you wish. German, oh well...aha, German..(to pharm.) So, what the hell do you mean by that, mister? Nach was the hell...the hell you know.. big place full of fire, ferstehen sie?! Fire...Feuer...und place...Platz...fire-place...Feuerplatz, ja, Feuerplatz! And devils, you know, with tails and hooves and horns...Oh God, this is gonna be tough! Oh, what the hell-die Himmel, ja, that's close enough. Nach was die Himmel sie...mean by that, mister. Mean, ja... die head, ja, hier die head und...VOILA... thoughts...fantasy...Fantasie...ja, Fantasie! du Fantasie mit dat, Herr Mann?!...Doesn't understand. Must be from Bavaria or something. Don't you know German, buddy?! .. See, see, now he reacts!

L: Well, I'd rather go make some more goat balls. (leaves) ROVER!!

A: Komm hier!...Mrs. Factorywoman, this is Mr. Pharmacist Bruno von Schlapschnitz with his wife Gertruda and their blooming daughter Roza. And an entire examination room. (looks inside, shuts fast) G-ross. Frau Factorywoman Breburda und Herr Factoryman Breburda...(listens) Ja, das ist eine eye.. nur eine eye Aaaaaah, why don't we all sit down? (seats them around the table, silence) Heh heh.. We got the fun stuck somewhere .. So why don't we have a drink at least? Ahhh, there isn't any. Ludvik!

L: (from backstage) I'm busy!

A: Ahhh, he's busy. OK, then, I'll go. Excuse me for a moment (leaves, returns with a bottle) Now, I've had enough of this! Why are you sitting here silent as corpses!.. Ohhh, no!? (runs to the table, checks the guests) Thank God! I was worried that you'd end up in the spaghetti sauce, too.

L: (comes into room, with a big bowl) It's ready! (puts it on table) Alfred, why didn't you show the pharmacists around the house? Look, how they're trembling with expectation. ??? (to pharmacists, shakes their chairs, also shakes himself) Tremble, you bums!! ???

A: It is not THEM trembling- it's you!

L: Oh yeah, that's right, one gets a bit nervous around here. But you can show them around the house all the same. It won't kill you.

A: Won't it? Bonik hasn't come yet. Oh well, come on, medicinemen, eine peepshow. (leads them to the map, same play, one light out, second on L) Eine rheume. (German accent)

L: Oh, Mrs. Factorywoman, time flies, time flies. Like a bird. In youth, in youth the days run headlong, as a bold bald eagle who having eyed a rattlemouse readies himself to invite her to his bell.

A: Zwei rheume, drei rheume.

L: Time mature is full of power. He beats his wings deliberately, like a heron, he won't be hurried by the croaking of red frogs; nor by down to the marrow of bones penetrating sound of the frenetic stroking of scaled salmon during sperm spewing in the water crowns of fields of sound.

A: Fuer rheume, eine stairs.

L: And finally, uninvited and unwelcome, surprisingly limps in the time of senile oldness. The vulture outfeathered content with any carrion, any badly smelling speck of the sooner so colourfully picturesque merry-go-round vicious circle of life. Ehhhh, no point talking.

A: Light! Shine!... Help!.. Shine!! Shine!!

L: But I'm so proud of Alfred. He was always so good at school. And languages, how he masters them - oh yes, yes!... Hold on a sec, this is where he always hits his head... Almost always. As I say, four tongues. With cream, with wine, on a stick sticking out, but best of all he does the Chinese tongue-stir fried. That he manages really masterfully.

A: (enters, lights on again) Ludva, this time it was Mrs. Pharmacist who got hit. It tore one of her ears off. Look how nicely she's bleeding!

L: Good, looks like it's working! All these lovely injuries, very promising!... Pity that Bonik hasn't appeared yet.

A: You mean DISappeared.

L: Shhh. Not so loud. Good thing Mr. Pharmacist has brought the whole examination room with him. (opens, looks inside, shuts) G-ross. So how do you like our house?... What do you mean it's not ours, we've been living here for 10 years! (knock) Shhhh!! (knock)

A: (in parallel) Cuckoo... Woodpecker... Just like ten years ago.

L: (in parallel) Woodpecker... Cuckoo... Just like ten years ago.

(knock)

A: Who's gonna go?

L: Me.

A: Why?

L: I'm older, taller and I've been practicing. (leaves)

A: Oh sure, older again, taller again, practice again, him again. It's always him. (L returns) Cuckoo or woodpecker?

L: JWs! Trying to get a foot in the door. (throws a foot on the table) I was faster!

A: (sits down on a different chair than before) I must be dreaming. What idiot wrote this stupidity?

L: (tries to get him into role again) You're sitting on Mrs. Factorywoman!! (jerks him up and then down to his right place) Alfred, get a grip on yourself! Or we'll never get a role again. To the table, ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served! (moves around and switches chairs) Mrs. Factorywoman, you can sit here and the respectable house-band...can sit just beside you so that he can keep an eye on you. Mr. Pharmacist will sit here, Mrs. Gertruda here and on the high chair we put o

A: And, aren't we gonna wait for Bonik?

L: No, it's too late, he's not gonna come now! Maybe he did something again and they've kept him in!

A: Do you think so? That'd certainly solve our problem!

L: It sure would! Let's dig in!

(BANG!!, Hugo (B) with a parachute falls to the floor, faces audience, checks all walls; table company totally petrified; B finally sees them; the company comes alive again)

AL: Bonifac!

B: Good evening, sorry, for dropping in on you like this...

L: Bonik, dear friend! We've been waiting for you for so long...

A: Yes, we've been getting ready for you for so long...

B: But, wait a minute, there must be some mistake!

L: Mistake! Why? I'm Ludvik and this is Alfred! You're home!

B: Ludvik? Alfred? Home?

A: Horrors!! He doesn't recognize his best friends! (to L) Hooray, he hasn't recognized us!

B: Ludvik! Alfred! Home..!

A: (to L) Horrors, he's recognized us! (to all) Hooray!! Now he recognizes his best friends.

B: My friends, so I managed to hit the spot after all.

L: Hit indeed. A bit too well if you ask me. Now, who's gonna repair it?

A: Let's call a carpenter.

L: He's got a big hammer.

AL: He'll hit it once, he'll hit it twice...

L: No, that's not a very good idea.

A: No, no, we don't really need the carpenter.

B: No no no, nothing's really changed around here. Four walls, a floor, a ceiling... well, that hole wasn't there but you can't have everything...door, window, swimming pool (poison puddle) and...Aaahhhh.. even the dandelions smell so nice, just like ten years ago.

A: Only these people weren't here then.

B: What people?

L: Here at the table, come on, Bonik, you can't be so shortsighted! One, two, three, four, ???... one two three four !!!... where is Mr. Factoryman?! (A and L start looking frantically around, B totally confused, they don't find him, A grabs the flashlight and rushes behind the map, search continues there)

L: We've... got some visitors, the Breburdas and the von Schlapschnitzes have come to welcome you.

B: Who??

L: Oh, come on, you must remember them! They're a bit unorganized, sometimes hard to see, so we have to keep track of them because they might come handy later on and besides we don't want any spies running around the house tonight - oops! Did you have a nice flight?

B: Oh, the first half was OK, quite comfortable, not a lot of traffic, just some birds flying around.

L: Cuckoos and woodpeckers!

B: Yes, how do you know?!

L: Oh, just a lucky guess. You were saying?

B: Oh, the first half was OK, quite comfortable, not a lot of traffic, just some birds flying around.

L: Cuckoos and woodpeckers!

B: Yes, how do you know?!

L: Oh, just a lucky guess. You were saying?

B: Oh, the first half was OK, quite comfortable, not a lot of traffic, just some birds flying around.

L: Cuckoos and woodpeckers!

B: Yes, how do you know?!

L: Oh, just a lucky guess. You were saying?

B: Oh, the first half was OK, quite comfortable, not a lot of traffic, just some birds (cut off by A's entrance).

A: (rushes in) I can't find him anywhere! (looks suddenly to the table - as if Factoryman said: I'm here; L and B trying to recover from the loop) Mr. Factoryman ?!! Where were you?! Look, this is an organized household, you can't just go wandering around when you feel like it! (F: But I was here all the time) Are you sure? I'd swear...strange...

L: Strange..!!

B: Strange..!!

(pause)

L: Anyway, as I was saying, the Breburdas and the von Schlapschnitzes, one two three four five - phew!, have come to welcome you. We've just prepared a small celebration, within the family triangle.. to put it wittily. Heh heh!

B: Heh heh heh!

A: Heh heh heh heh!! Shhhh! It's a surprise!

B: Surprise?

L: Nothing grand! Just a banquet, a couple of banners, three or four speeches and an army parade. As I say, nothing grand, by no means.

B: This is a real surprise!

A: And if you behave, we might also have some small...big military maneuvers! Maybe even with some casualties!

BL: We'll behave!

A: I'm glad to hear it. OK, let's dig in! (rushes for table)

L: (stands up) Dear friends, we don't have a clock here, we tell time by the sun even when it rains but in my heart of hearts I feel that now is the time for a celebratory toast. Mrs. Factorywoman, would you do the honors...(sits down, they wait).. Mrs. Factorywoman?!

(pause)

B: She's tongue-tied.

L: She's shy. Ok, Mr. Pharmacist. Mr. Pharmacist, it's up to you... Go for it!..

(pause)

B: He's jaw-locked.

L: Shame on you! So now what? Christ, I'm thirsty!

(pause)

A: Did you have a nice flight?

L: Oh noooo, not again!!

B: Oh, the first half was OK, quite comfortable, not a lot of traffic, just some birds flying around. (during this L shuts his own mouth with a hand)

A: Cuck... (L shuts A's mouth with the other hand)

B: (pause, then continues) But then I got into this drift of hot smoke - must have been a chimney or something - and I hit the roof. The rest you know.

A: (L released his mouth) Are you crazy?! Why are you trying to strangle me?! I was just being social!

L: I hate birds!! Try something else.

(pause)

A: So, how about a small tour?

L: OK, but be quick. Christ, I'm thirsty!

A: If quick, then from the front. Come, Bonik, follow me. (go to the map)

L: Well visitors, I really didn't expect something like this from you. You descend on us unannounced, with all your relatives, destroy our entire livestock but would you even say a few last words of welcome, no, that's too much to ask. Really!

A: Can I get on with it now?

L: Alright. But be quick.

A: Quick, short, from the front. Budoir, in the back pissoir. Lazy-boy. Doesn't work. Andy Doorhall. Door. Door. Lying room. Like crazy. Dust. Rococococococo. Door. Kitchen. One line, three shifts, no unions. Stairs. Light ..Light!! Atelier. Red, green, yellow, blue, orange, red, green, pedestrian crossing. And up there...hole. Used to be - attic, cellar, roof, garden, chimneys, pigeon droppings. (touches his head and sniffs) That much hasn't changed. Careful, I always hit my head here...almost always. End. Slippers here, supper there.

L: And we've been practicing here in the meantime. Mrs. Factorywoman, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. (long and boring speech of Mrs. F)

A: Beautiful, yes, so poetical- flowers, birds, factory floors, lathes... I couldn't have done better myself!... No, Mrs. Factorywoman, thank you very much, excellent, truly excellent but... have some spaghetti!

L: Right! At first you can't even pry the words outta her mouth with a crowbar and then you can't shut her up. Like she's in a political campaign or what. And don't kick me, it's Bonik's leg anyway.

A: Oh Bonik, I'm sorry.

B: No no, I really enjoyed it.

A: Really?!

B: No no, the speech! The speech I mean!... In the slammer we also had educational lectures.

A: Really?

B: Every Sunday. They always waited until everything settled down in the evening and then they dragged us out into the yard. And there we had to walk, always in a circle. And then, suddenly, when you least expected it they'd turn on all the floodlights. And as we stumbled around blindly, dazzled by the sudden light, the loudspeaker would blare out: Oh, we'll shed some light on you, you bastards!!! And lotsa guys really were enlightened...Health!

AL: Health!

B: I can't believe it!. Rat poison! Who told you?

L: Rat posion?

A: Impossible!

B: Yeah, rat poison! It was quite a treat back there. If you start slowly and in small measures, you can get used to it. I became quite an expert, you know. Mmmm, let's see. A bit spicy, strong aftertaste, greyish-black - Okanagan Killer `87? No, wait, Drain Sweeper `86 that's it, right?! Well, thank you, it's a rarity these days.

L: Aaaa...

A: You're welcome. We knew...

L: you'd like it. It's quite rare as you said. We had to go to the...

A: black market!

B: Thanks again. You shouldn't have gone into so much trouble because of me but I certainly appreciate it. What are we waiting for? Let's dig in! (pause) Excellent goat balls!

L: Let me see! Oh yeah, you have Bessy. Rover was much tougher.

A: But you did a good job with Rover as well.

L: I did my best. A chance like this only comes along every ten years! What ten years, once in a lifetime!... I hope.

A: This piece, on the other hand, is pretty tough.

L: Let me see! Oh boy, I've been searching high and low for this! (takes out a tennis ball). So, Bonik, tomorrow we can go play tennis.

B: But I don't know how to play tennis.

L: Me neither but that doesn't matter. We have the ball already, now we just have to buy the raquets, the net, build the court, the stands, and we can play. (throws ball away, it returns back - held by gum, they watch it in the end cut the gum) Alfred! How many times do I have to tell you not to stick gum on plates? (A breathes in to reply) How many times do I have to tell you not to stick gum on plates? (same play) How many times do I have to tell you not to stick gum on plates?!

A: [That wasn't me,] it was Roza! (3 times)

AL: Oh, Roza!

L: Now, did you hear that, Mrs. Pharmacist? Oh, of course not, how could you have. Your Roza is decorating our house all over with gum. That really overfills the cup to the bottom. And don't you turn your back on me, when I'm talking to you! Some manners!

A: Hey, why don't we move her somewhere else?

L: Great idea! Right, like this, you switch places with your husband, and Mr. Factoryman here can watch you... when he turns his head completely... And don't make faces, don't make faces or else no more Bessy, no more Rover! Shit!!

B: Ludvik, you'd make a great prison guard!

A: He would, wouldn't he?! I keep telling him to place an ad- Cruel, sadistic despot with sexual inversions, dead-eye dick, lonesome cowboy. Looking for a prosperous prison. Purpose: longterm employment. I have training, barbed wire and stool pigeons.

B: (jumps up) When I get that pig!

AL: !!!

B: I'll sneak up on him and BLAM! Right in the heart!!

L: Forgive us!

A: Let us live!

B: And then - disembowel, quarter, cut, smoke and hang.

AL: (after each verb) No!

B: Why? You don't like pig?

L: Pig? Oh pig! Pork rinds, pig's feet, ham hocks...

A: Blood sausage, bacon, pig jelly...

B: For ten years I've been looking forward to it.

L: The fat quietly bubbles its twilight song of longing...

A: From the chimney slowly wafts the delectable aroma of carbonized nutrition...

B: For ten years I've been thinking about nothing else.

L: The blood soup, trembling with anticipation, waits lustily for the flood of barn peas...

A: The fleshy gore arrays itself with discipline into tidy piles on the butcher's block...

B: The bloody tattling bastard!

L: Jaws are opening, intestines tested...

A: Meat feast is beginning, everyone's wasted...

B: When I get that pig!

L: BLAM! Right in the heart.

A: Disembowel, quarter, cut, smoke and hang...

L: Pork rinds, pig's feet, ham hocks...

A: Blood sausage, bacon, pig jelly...

B: Ohh nooo! Not a pig!! That bastard who put me away.

L: Alfred, watch out!

A: (freezes on escape) What? What's going on?

L: We're skating on thin ice. Remember, don't stop and accumulate on the spot. We gotta keep moving. (they start skating) First we have to secretly find out exactly what he does know.

A: But how?

L: I just told you- secretly! You go take care of the visitors.

A: OK, Mrs. Factorywoman, skates on feet, legs on ground, body into space and slowly left right, left right, left right. See how good you are now. OK, everyone else stand up and come over here! We don't need any spies at the table.

L: You, Bonifac!

B: Hmmm?

L: Do you know who squealed on you that time?

B: I've got my suspicions.

L: (to A) He's got his suspicions.

A: Suspicions, suspicions, but what suspicions?

L: I haven't got to that yet.

A: So go back and find out. And you, don't accumulate here. We're skating, we're skating, we are all skating. (starts singing) All we are skating, give ice a chance.

L: You, Bonifac!

B: Hmmm?

L: What suspicions?

B: Unclear.

L: (to A) Unclear suspicions.

A: Chocolate-coated Jesus on a stick, what have I done to deserve this? (to L) Switch! I'll spy, you guard... You, Bonifac!

B: Hmmm?

A: What unclear suspicions?

B: Two guys.

A: (back to L) Got it. Two guys.

L: Well... but what guys?

A: What guys, what guys! Watch out, it's breaking!! (jump clear) What guys. You think I can get it from him just like that? We've both got to work on him. (go to B) You, Bonifac!

L: Those two guys...

A: Quick!

AL: SPEAK!!

B: Wayne Gretzky and Pavel Bure.

A: (finished skating) Hooray, we're in the clear. ??? Everything's under control. ??? (to L) How're things back there?

L: First casualties. Factorywoman Breburda fell through the ice and drowned.

A: We'd better be careful! With every drowned factorywoman we're one step closer to communism!

L: One small step for a factorywoman, one giant leap for mankind!

A: Well, you just be careful that you don't step in anything!

B: (wakes up) So what do we do now?

A: (throat-slitting gesture)

L: Now? Are you crazy? With so many people around? (to B) How about we turn on the TV?!

B: Yeah...(??? I haven't seen a commercial in ages. ???) That's a great idea.

L: Isn't it! Well, when I want...

A: Well, I guess I'd rather go for the TV! (goes backstage)

L: Oh, you'll love it! We have a brand new one, multicolored, not even unpacked yet. So, let's do a bit of arranging here, Mrs. Pharmacist, head slightly to the side, that's it, chin down, second one as well, right, now that's just perfect, except maybe the ear, if you'd just hold it there, mmmm excellent! (turns the chair) Mr. Factoryman (tries three times to move the chair, no success) will miss the show today.

A: Ahh, here it comes.

B: Ohhh, let'er fly!

A: (drops TV, moment of silence)

L: NOOOOOOOO!!

B: Well Ludvik, I'm proud of you, he does what he's told.

L: It had three channels! All multicolored!

B: Well that's really nice but what do we do now?

A: Should I fetch the radio?

L: Noo!!! Not the radio! It has no warranty.

B: What do we do now?

A: Hey Ludva, I wonder how long he'll keep that up!

B: What do we do now?

A: So, let's start the army parade, then!

L: Oh well, OK, anything's better than that broken record. Brothers in T-shirts! Ouhhh... Brothers in arms. We're confronting incredibly demanding winter military maneuvers and we WHAT?...

BA: Survive!

L: Right, survive. But that's not enough. We not only survive but we survive HOW?

BA: Barely!!!

L: That's the spirit! Long live the army! Hip hip hoooo-

BA: -manity!!

L: NOOO!! Again. Hip hip hooo-

BA: -miliated!!

L: NOOOOOO!! You're must be doing this on purpose to hooomiliate me. Hip hip hoooo-

BA: -raaay!!!

L: At last! Atten-tion!!! Paraaaade-Forwaaaard, MARCH!!! (music, march, music down) HALT!! What is this madhouse?!

B: The 26th Prince of Wales infantry madhouse.

L: Recognized! As you were!! (music forte again, ends abruptly-sound of machine guns, all go down into cover) We're under attack! The visitors are trying to take over!

A: I knew it! Bunch of lousy spies! I knew it all along. What do we do now?

B: We need a volunteer!

L: Why?

B: To volunteer.

A: Why?

B: To risk his ass in a valiant effort to surprise the treacherous enemies in their lair.

L: OK, you volunteer.

B: Why?

A: Your ass is the smallest.

L: And it's your plan.

A: Just be careful.

L: To avoid the mines.

A: The treacherous enemies.

L: Have set around here.

AL: To protect their lair.

B: OK, keep me covered.

AL: Oh, sure!!

B: (starts moving, AL as well but to get better aim at him; kind of slow `dance' around, they try to hit him - shots, grenades, etc. but always lose him from sight, B gets behind the chairs) Hoooooraaay!!!... Where are they?

A: They're not there?

B: No. Not a single soul.

AL: Hoooorraaaaaayyy!!! (rush the enemy lair and grab B.) Grab'im, h old'im, etc.

B: Hey, it's me, Bonifac!

A: Shut up! You're the enemy!

B: No, I'm not!

L: Yes, you are! Where are we?

B: In the enemy lair.

A: That proves it!

B: It does?

L: Undoubtedly. You're going to be executed.

A: Stupid swine!

L: Dirty dog!

A: Fornicating fish!

L: Bloody bandango!

A: Castrated kangaroo!

L: Firing squaaaad!!

A: Here and ready!

L: In the name of justice, Ludvik, and Alfred - FIRRRRRE!!! (BANG!!, B scream of pain, falls down as if dead, all freeze - tableau, then lighting change)

L: Free! Free at last!

A: Free! Forget the past!

L: The guests have disappeared.

A: The guests? The guests were never here.

L: My spirit is flying over the wasteland.

A: My shadow is poisoning rivers and seas.

L: My eyes are burning holes in the space.

A: My hands are squeezing the earth like a peach.

L: The guests have disappeared.

A: The guests? The guests were never here.

L: Total destruction.

A: Total liberation.

L: Total liberation.

A: Total destruction.

B: Aaaaahhh...(lights back to normal) Now that was fun! The best military maneuvers I've ever seen! Pretty naturalistic. I almost fell for it in the end. What? What's wrong?

AL: You're alive!?

B: Well - sure! I've never felt better in my life. So much fun!

A: (looks at the table, L the same) They're back again.

L: Dummy ammunition!

A: Dummy visitors!

B: (sings) Dummy dummy dummy day day day. Now, the last thing missing is some sex and everything would be perfect!

A: Ludva!

L: I know. I don't like it at all but what can we do? Desperate situation calls for desperate measures.

A: (to visitors) I think we might need some help in the cellar. It won't take long. And you can check our famous plum brandy afterwards... Excellent!

L: We've gotta go upstairs to do something, Bonik. Take care of Roza in the meantime, so that she doesn't get bored here.

A: And if you needed to write something down, there is a new journal in the closet. (both leave)

B: Indeed, Roza! I'd forgotten about her. The bud hardly opened, fragrant flower from the pharmacist's garden, is she to become the toy of my basest instincts ?! (AL from backst. - YEEEEESSS) Roza, oh Roza! Who will brush the dusty pollen from your flushed peach cheeks, who will guide you through the bush of recognition into the sheltered corners of the virgin forest of eternal longing, whose anxiously trembling fingers will be the first to take off your antiseptic blouse to gently strok

(AL run in)

L: Freeze!

A: Lock the door!

L: Block the windows!

A: Collect evidence!

L: Protect witnesses!

A: Check the body!

L: Nobody moves! (all freeze, pause)

B: A new game? Listen, I

L: I said nobody!

(pause)

A: Ludva, this is kind of... static.

L: Rules are rules.

A: Yeah, but we might all starve to death like this. Not to mention that in this heat, the corpse is going to rot pretty fast.

B: Corpse! What corpse? Somebody died again?!

A: `Corpse! What corpse?' - you've got some nerves, I'll grant you that, Bonik. But it won't save you this time. We have everything - evidence, motive, public opinion, partial witnesses, everything. Poor Roza! How...???!!! Roza!!

L: I said no... Oh shit!

A: Yeah, I know.

L: And we gave him so much time.

B: Can I move now?

L: Now! He wants to move now!

B: I just wanted to thank you. Dear friends, it's been such a great evening. All the food and entertainment, wonderful company, you've gone to so much trouble for me.

L: You got that right!

A: Ahhh, it's nothing.

B: I'm not worth it.

L: You got that right!

A: Ahhh, it's nothing.

B: I'll leave, if you want. One word is enough.

L: Nooooo!

B: OK, I'm leaving (doesn't move)

A: Where would you go?

L: Stay here with us!

A: For evermore.

L: We love you.

AL: You're (h)ours and (h)ours alone!!

B: Well, I have been in the past, that's true. So I'll stay if you want me to.

A: We do!

L: But the others have to go- no ifs, ands or buts! They're becoming way too independent, roaming the house as they please, appearing and disappearing unpredictably. We gotta get'em outta the way.

B: But why? They're not in my way.

L: But they're in ours. Come on, we don't want any witnesses. Do ya hear me! VISITING HOURS ARE OVER!!

A: But, Ludvik, don't be so rough on them. Everything can be done gently... Go home, you morons. Don't make me throw you out bodily. Out.

L: Hmmm, nothing, they're just sitting there like lumps.

B: I was wondering, before they go - could I recite something?

L: Now that's an idea, that'll get'em moving for sure.

A: Look, the first to go. (listens) Ohhh, the washroom. Why didn't you say so in the first place, Mr. Factoryman. First you go to the left, then straight, turn right, left and you're RIGHT there...no, hang on, that's not right, you're LEFT there, right ...no, that's not right either, we can't LEAVE you there... so what's left? Not right, not left, you're STRAIGHT there...but you can't just STAY straight there, you have to take off your pants and bend down and you know... there you are! As yo

B: So could I recite something? (Bang!!)

A: Could I have made a mistake? Should I go check? (leaves)

L: That Alfred! For five years he's been doing all the house tours, lately even in the dark, but can he remember the way to the washroom- nooo, that's too much to ask! (to the `guests') Can you believe that? (pause) What a bunch of imbeciles, can't even say mooooooo.

A: (enters) I'm afraid Mr. Factoryman just packed it in.

L: Oh good, two down, three to go!

B: Poor creature! What happened to him?

A: Ahh well, he took a wrong turn and fell into the trap we've got set up for...

L: For the bear!

A: Oh yeah, right, for the bear.

B: For the bear? There's bears around here?

A: No, why?

L: You never know. I mean, what if one wandered in by a chance? It's hardly an hour by plane from the Rockies . When we get a bunch of wild predators here demolishing our chalet, it'll be too late.

A: Who needs bears to demolish the chalet, Bonifac with his parachute is more than enough.

B: Could I recite something?

A: Why? That's not gonna help against bears.

L: Does help, doesn't help, just go for it, Bonja. (to A) After all, it's his final request. (to B) Need anything, Maestro?

B: No, thanks. Perhaps... a bit of atmosphere.

L: That's easy. Alfi, let's go. (leave)

B: At last! At last I can present in public the fruits of the dreamless nights spent in the darkness of my cell. But which, which poem should I choose for such an eternal moment. Advise me, silver Luna, you protector of thieves and lovers. You're silent?! As always. If you don't have anything to say, then begone, stupid orb.

L: Here we are.

A: (with air pump) Boy, you really can bullshit, Bonja! (starts pumping)

B: What is this???

L: Well, atmosphere.

B: Misunderstood again!!

A: Is that enough?

B: Ehhhh.

L: Yes, I think he has enough.

B: Bitter is our fate, we prophets of beauty and truth. Perhaps posterity will fully appreciate the deepness and power of our thoughts.

A: Did you hear that, Roza! It's up to you!

L: I'll make the announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, Bonifac Handyman, grand prize winner of the fourteenth annual George Sand Memorial Swan Song Prize. Bonifac Handyman, reciting Pages from the Journal.

B: (reciting)

PAGES FROM THE JOURNAL

In the night unquiet flooded by dread
Shadows are chuckling in bachelor's head
I'm lying in my bed, restless and groggy
Three midterms had I failed, my mind is foggy
In the night magical twinkled by nickel
I stroked my Maria's neck with a steel sickle
She lies here unconscious, headless but content
Her father communist, her husband dissident
In the night oh-so-cold pierced through by screams
Guilty are sleeping with violent dreams
Golden are icicles, chocolate is fudge
Green is the murderer before the judge
In the night desperate sowed through by moans
My only companions rats, dust and stones
Thinking of poor Maria's eternal sleep
If she is under soil cozy and deep
In the night marvellous driven by fate
Moonlight and sunshine went out for a date
I planted happiness into my friends' hearts
Ceilings could not stop me, your faithful Bonik.

L: Well, not bad, not bad at all - for a love sonnet... Now, how about something more progressive? Something with more action?

B: But... I don't know...it could bother Roza... Roza!! What happened to her?

A: Looks like she kicked the bucket.

L: Now?! I can't believe it! She must have done this on purpose.

B: Oh, Roza, this isn't what I wanted. It was pure chance, a mistake. Can you ever forgive me?

A: She can't.

L: Nothing works around here. Wrong people dying at a wrong time - it's a general conspiracy! Mutiny!!

B: What are we going to do?

L: Bring order into chaos. Alfred!

A: Yes?

L: Time for a direct action. First the visitors.

A: No!

L: Yes!

A: Yes?

L: Yes!

B: Should I recite something? No, OK.

L: Dear guests, why don't you just take your three corpses and get the hell outta my sight! The door is right there.

A: And over there is another door, the right one. Bitte, herr von Schlapschnitz, bitte, bitte! Aber schnell, ja! (pushes them out, throws the doctor's bag after them) And watch out for bears, they're hungry this year.

L: Wow Alfred, you're really getting good at that! Nice work.

B: But you could have been a bit gentler with them. Poor people, they lose their beloved daughter, they don't know any English and you treat them like strangers! It's just not nice!

A: You shut up, we haven't finished with you yet!

L: What haven't finished, haven't started!

B: But Ludvik, Alfred, I don't understand you.

A: What? You don't know English?!

B: But Ludvik, Alfred, you don't understand me!

L: Now who doesn't understand who? You're really mixed up now, aren't you?

A: You should figure it out for yourself, shouldn't you?

B: But wait a second, I'll explain it to you!

L: No, we'll explain it to you! For ten years we've been waiting here, shaking with fear that you'd come back.

A: Do you remember how they came for you in the middle of the night...

L: How they pulled you out of bed, and you kicked and screamed ...

A: And shouted: ``Somebody musta ratted on me...''

L: What must have? Did! And wanted to!

A: Because that somebody...

AL: Was us.

L: Alfred...

A: And Ludvik.

L: The guards of

A: Justice

L: Freedom

AL: Society!

B: But!

A: The souls of your victims haunt the forest outside and sometimes in the middle of the night you can hear them through the chimney whispering

L: Revenge, revenge.

B: But!

A: The innocent birds have left the forest outside and sometimes in the middle of the day you can see them high above screaming

L: Revenge, revenge!

B: But!

A: The people from the town won't enter the forest outside and sometimes in the middle of the road you can pass them thinking

A: Revenge, revenge!

L: Revenge.

A: Revenge.

B: But!

L: Your crimes against society must be punished.

A: Just like ten years ago.

L: No! More!

A: We were trying to avoid it.

L: We were hoping you'd have decency enough to spare us the effort of direct confrontation.

A: We've been getting ready for this for ten years.

L: So much we've got ready, such effort we've gone to and you-nothing!

A: Just look here- a trappy-wappy with your favourite drinky-winky..

L: Canny-wanny with your favourite poisony-woisony.

A: Ropy-wopy with clubby-wubbies.

L: And you- nothing. Sitting here like a lump and leaving all the dirty work to us.

B: But wait for Christ's sake, this is a mistake!!! I am not Bonifac!!!

A: Yeah yeah, I know, you're a bear, right.

B: No, I swear, I am Hugo, I shared a cell with Bonifac, they haven't released him yet, he's still there, so I've come instead of him!..I..I (heart attack, falls down)

L: Bonik? Bonik?!

A: Is he... dead?

L: Yes.

A: But... that means we won't ever see him again?!

L: No.

A: Bonik!

L: Yeah, I know, it always looks easier in theory.

A: It's all our fault!

L: Look, Alfi, I'm sorry too but we didn't really have any choice, did we?

A: I suppose...Poor Bonik...Do you remember how we used to play hide and seek together?

L: And policemen and thieves.

A: And bury-the-victim.

L: And hunt-the-fugitive. Aah, the good old days.

A: I'll miss him.

L: I'll miss him, too. But it's better this way, believe me, even for him. Especially for him.

A: I guess. (pause) What do we do now? (pause)

L: Well, first things first. Come on, let's put him in the freezer. (in the process realize he's not Bonifac)

A: Ludvik!

L: Alfred!

AL: It isn't Bonifac, it's a mistake!

A: Now what?

L: Well, let's put him in the freezer anyway and destroy the evidence . The cops could be here any minute. (do it, after some time L leaves to continue in the kitchen)

L: (from backstage) Aaaaaaaaaaaa!

A: Cops!!

L: (runs in) Where?!

A: I don't know! I just heard them screaming! Like this- Aaaaaaaaaaaa!

L: Oh, you mean- Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!

A: Yes, yes!! Oh God, did you hear them, too?!

L: No. That was me. I just realized...if this was Hugo...that means...we'll have to go through this all again! (pause)

A: No, I can't.

L: But!

A: I said No! I don't care for the consequences but I can't go through this again. I just can't. (pause, then A starts clearing the traps, knock)

L: Shhhhh!! (knock)

AL: Bonifac!!

L: Just like ten years ago!...(knock) Who's gonna go?

A: You! Just like ten years ago. (L leaves, then backs slowly into room)

D: (at the door, with his lawnmower) Well, youngsters, you're not very kind! Leaving the old man waiting on the doorstep.

A: But- who are you, and what do you want, anyway?

D: You don't know me-bald chin?

A: No.

D: Well, then you're really lucky. Or you were lucky. Because I am ...I am... dammit, who am I, anyway?

L: The Grim Reaper!

D: The Grim Reaper! (to L) Thanks. My memory isn't quite what it used to be but the scythe at least I can manage still reliably - thankgod... Dammit... where did I leave it, anyway?

A: In your hand!

D: What??

A: In your hand. You have it. (??? switch these 2 lines ???)

D: In your hand?! No, in my hand! (to A) Thanks. My memory isn't quite what it used to be but the scythe at least I can manage still...dammit...where did I...ah, in my hand, thanks. So, to speed things up, get yourselves organized, youngsters, line up, line up, let's get that burden off your shoulders!

L: What burden?

D: Why, your heads, of course!

A: But this must be a mistake!

D: What mistake? Here I have the requisition. With the stamp. Dammit... where did I ...

L: In your pocket.

D: Ah, in your pocket. Thanks. (checks L's pocket) No, it's not there either. But it doesn't really matter anyway. Well, did you get yourselves organized, youngsters?

A: But you can't do this!

D: What can't, have to! Like this, on the forehand, nice long backswing and heeeere we go... Now what is this, youngsters, where are you?? Come on, stand up, that's not the way we had it planned. Once more. Forehand, backswing, aaaaaaa... heeeeeere we go. What, again?? Stand up.. aaaaaaa...heeere we go...stand up..stand up!!! What is this? Oh yeah, the younger generation, no stamina. Such stupidity- anyone exercising before death is obviously bound to die! Sooo, and now I'll just cross you off in

Bonifac, the real one: (comes in) Ludva, Alfred, where are you guys? It's me, Bonifac. I've come back...That's weird. Could I have made a mistake? No, the house is right, room is right, ceiling... isn't right-who cares, I am home, home at last!!! (sits behind table and looks around, AL come to him and try to prevent him from the world of ghosts to pick up the poison can and take a sip. B takes the can in the end and looks into it but it's unclear if he's going to drink or not, all free)